


Solace

by quivershiver



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Reincarnation, Time Loop, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 12:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11828709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quivershiver/pseuds/quivershiver
Summary: This is so new and dammit, you probably should have looked into this a bit more before jumping in. For one thing, you usually don't live past fifteen or sixteen. Sure, it's happened before, but not often enough for nineteen to be something you're even partly familiar with. Consequently, you do not know the first thing about college. It comes to your attention that this is actually going to be a (mostly) normal college experience. No angels, no NERV, nothing. You're going to be just as clueless as everyone else and that is absolutely horrifying.





	Solace

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Maybe](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/316725) by TGP. A favorite kawoshin fic of mine, though I'll admit that it's only the first chapter that inspired this.. 



> alright lets get this outta the way  
> \- im gonna be mentioning all sorts of characters, but the only ones that we're getting any real interaction with SO FAR are rei and ofc kaworu & shinji  
> \- EoE's au rei  
> \- repeat theory, which if i remember correctly has already been confirmed by a VA  
> \- no angels! this is an au if there ever was one

You'd like to say that this process gets easier, but it doesn't, and saying anything otherwise would be a lie. Shinji Ikari cries out your name as yet another tear slides down his reddened cheek and you silently mourn for another life of his that you have monumentally fucked up. You may be the Angel of free will, but it seems that all that's ever gotten you is death. Death and, unsurprisingly, not the happiness that he wanted. Does that mean that you're going to stop here? No, probably not. You’ll keep looking for a timeline where Shinji needs you in some way even if it kills you (and it does). Shinji is still crying over the communication unit and you desperately wish you weren't the cause of it. You wish that there was something you could do to ease his pain. "I'm sorry, Shinji," you soothe, and this body is gone. Yet another life down the drain. You wonder if every single life is pre-written as another one where you will die trying to bring Shinji Ikari something other than the pain he's always known. It's probably best to think that it isn't all useless; if you gave up, nobody would have a use for you, and you'd consequently never get to see him again. This is absolutely not something you can allow. This unfailingly human boy gives you a purpose that, though you're not sure you'll ever understand, you have long accepted. SEELE needs you for something that heavily involves the Ikari family and that is as good enough a reason to keep trying as any. There are probably are few others, if any at all.

The void you're currently in shows every timeline and world to have ever existed in front of you, and the ones that hold happy little versions of Shinji are unappealing. He doesn't need you there, and your possible (read: inevitable) demise isn't going to alter that if you can help it. You are about to decide on another typical repeat when you notice something unfamiliar among the others. You move in to check out the details and see that no, Shinji isn't happy, but he's not nearly as depressed as the last life you were in. What makes this one truly unique, though, is the lack of Angels. There have been a few others in the past but all of those were peaceful and had no use for you. He's not doing well here, and while the absence of angels leaves you wondering what that may mean on your half, you figure that there's no reason not to. What is there to lose but another life?

\---

You gain consciousness in your new body at nineteen years old and find through your memories that your family is sending you off to college. This is so new and  _ dammit _ , you probably should have looked into this a bit more before jumping in. For one thing, you usually don't live past fifteen or sixteen. Sure, it's happened before, but not often enough for nineteen to be something you're even partly familiar with. Consequently, you do not know the first thing about college. It comes to your attention that this is actually going to be a (mostly) normal college experience. No angels, no NERV,  _ nothing _ . You're going to be just as clueless as everyone else and that is absolutely horrifying. You also do not have an inkling of a clue as to where Shinji Ikari is. Both the fear and lack of information are things that have not happened in a very long time, and you quickly decide that you need to get your hands on a computer.

After a good day or two of nonstop research and hacking, you find that Shinji lives two cities away. Both Yui and Gendo are alive, too. You figure that that you can drive down there tomorrow, assuming you have a license, and sneak around until you find him.

\---

Shinji is at the grocery store, according to Yui Ikari. You had gone up to their house and asked for her son, fibbing that you were an old classmate of his and needed him for college portfolio opinions. You figure she was so excited to find out that her baby boy had a friend that she gave you the information on his whereabouts without really thinking. Either way, he’s getting tampons.

\---

“Do you know which of these are best?” you inquire, holding up a random box and looking over at the boy you’ve fallen for over countless lives.

“Oh, I usually just buy Tampax because the store brand is kinda shitty,” Shinji says without glancing up from the box of Tampax Pearl in his hands. He then looks up with a start and adds, “F-for my sister, of course! She, um- she says that the other ones suck.” He looks red, and before you can say another word, he’s gone.

It doesn’t take you long to find him in the checkout line, the box of tampons still in hand. You get in line behind him even though you're empty handed. Shinji notices you quickly and rushes to pay. “Thanks,” he says shakily to the cashier, and tries to make a quick escape. You wave her off so that she doesn't think you're trying to avoid payment. Once outside of the store, you grab his wrist as gently as you can without giving him means to get away from you a second time. “What?” he turns at you with shining eyes, plastic bag clutched tightly.

     “Why did you run from me?  Did I do something to frighten you? Am I scary looking?”

     “No, it’s nothing. Let me go.”

Shinji looks panicked, and it dawns on you that the tampons are for  _ him.  _ Those tampons could very easily be for his “sister” (whom you figure is probably Rei, if she is in this timeline), but they are also for himself. Perhaps even Yui. This Shinji Ikari, still the boy you love unfalteringly, is transgender. If memory serves, this has happened thrice before, though this is the first for him. You now grasp why Shinji is behaving the way he is; it isn't something any Lilin are very open about.

You release him and he regards you suspiciously once more before running off.

\---

The next time you see him is an entire month later at McDonalds. He's sitting down with a blue haired girl- Rei. You walk over, your bag of cheap fast food in hand, and offer a simple hello. They both turn to you, and Shinji pales significantly. "Who're you?" Rei inquires, casual and much brighter than her clone self, though not much friendlier. "I'm Kaworu Nagisa. I saw your brother a month ago at the supermarket so I thought I'd say hello," you reply. She scrutinizes you but resumes stuffing her mouth with fries. 

"What do you want from me?" Shinji asks, nervous and fidgety as always. You notice that he has long eyelashes - longer than you’re used to. They're pretty and you think, shamefully, that you want to see his eyes low and lidded. "I wanted to know if you would like to hang out sometime," you smile. It's best to be forward with Shinji; he doesn't pick up on light flirting too well. Rei chokes on the drink she'd been slurping and slams the cup down. All attention is on her until she's able to breathe properly again. "What do you wanna do with him?" she questions. Protective. Her guard is up.

     "Why won't you leave me alone?"

     "I like you."

     "Hey, I asked you a question, pretty boy. What do you wanna do with my brother?" 

     "Take him to dinner and a movie."

     "And that's all?"

You nod; it's an easy lie. You want to do everything fathomable with Shinji Ikari. You want to tenderly hold his hand and you also want to spend every waking moment with him. Numbers cannot count how many times you've thought of his lips against yours. "Just a date," you reassure her. She closes her eyes and commands, "Pick him up at four and have him home by eight tomorrow night."

Shinji gapes at her. Rei reaches across the table and grabs (what you assume is) Shinji's phone then asks for yours. After a moment of typing, she returns both phones and informs you that your numbers have been exchanged and that their address is in your notes. "Now leave, before I change my mind," she commands. You leave because, serious or joking, why give the opportunity?

\---

The following night, you park your car on the curb and ring their doorbell. Rei opens it, but Shinji is standing directly behind her. "No funny business or else I'll tear your dick clean off, got it?" she eyes you sternly. She might be serious; you nod quickly. Without another word, she pushes her brother out from behind her where he stumbles into your arms, then back out again. The door slams before either one of you can process what just happened.

\---

The drive to the restaurant is silent and awkward; neither of you are willing to break the ice. Normally, you wouldn't have a problem, but he's tense and you're afraid that you will frighten him off. 

     "I like your eyes."

Great. Autopilot engaged. He's going to flip a switch and jump out the window without even rolling it down.

"What?" he looks sort of frazzled, but he's not jumping out of the car. "Did I startle you? I'm sorry," you apologize.

     "No. I was just," he pauses, "..thinking."

     "About what?"

     "What's your deal with me?"

     "I think you're cute and I would like to get to know you." You'd  _ 'like'  _ to get to know every centimeter of his soul, but that's not exactly something you say to a boy that just met you (and you've figured that out the hard way).  Shinji looks down at his lap, fiddling with his hands. He's quiet for a bit. "Cute like a girl?" he inquires almost softly. Vulnerable.

There are certain things about Shinji that you've always found attractive. His delicate waist; his wet eyelashes when they lay against his cheeks. "Does it matter?" you inquire, perhaps too bluntly. It's honest, though, and you need him to understand. He bursts, "Yes!" and you wonder if anyone has ever agreed with that. Why do Lilin try to stick so strictly to what they've known? Why do they so vehemently reject anything new, even if it's for the better?

"Shinji Ikari, you have many flaws, and I think every one of them is perfect," you say with a finality that dares him to speak against you. He just blinks, blushing and surprised into silence. Was that too forward? You so badly want to hold his gaze, but you'd rather not crash this car on the first date.

Shinji quietly stares out the window for the rest of the car ride.

\---

Neither one of you talk much at dinner. You briefly ask if he's enjoying his meal, to which he nods, and later inquire if there are any movies out right now that he'd been specifically interested in. He replies that he hasn't been paying much attention lately, and you decide that you're gonna take him to a horror movie. Maybe he'll get frightened and turn to you, and you could put your arm around his shoulders as "comfort". Smooth.

\---

Shinji lets out a small shriek and curls into your embrace further as a woman on-screen screams once more. The movie you chose was one about aliens that disguised themselves as Lilin so that they could get in close to attack. The irony of the situation makes you chuckle a bit, but also pains you deeply. Fate is a cruel and remorseless being, isn't it? The fact that you, too, are human in this life comes to mind once more and you're left to wonder what events will bring this unique life to yet another screeching halt. You’d like to remain hopeful, but so many failed tries leads you to believe that it won’t work out regardless of what goes on. Heartache aside, the boy you love is in your arms, so this is by far the best movie you've ever been to.

On the drive back to the Ikari household, Shinji is smiling and generally more vocal. He apparently enjoyed the movie, and when you ask if he enjoyed the night in general, he smiles and nods. That's a good sign. He didn't hate the date, so he probably doesn't hate you, either. You figure that now is as good a time as any to ask him out again. So you do. He seems surprised.

     "You want to go out again?"

     "Very much so."

     "Wow. Um... Alright."

He's blushing and a small smile graces his face. You feel as if you're about to burst- but in a good way. You know what the bad way feels like, and this is quite far from it. "Are you free next weekend?" you inquire. Before he's even able to get in a response, you proceed, "We can do anything you want. Anything in the world."

Shinji ponders this for a moment before stating that he'd like to visit a nearby aquarium. You're not sure you can remember ever going to one (though you probably have at  _ some _ point) so this'll be a fun experience.

\---

Your “parents” aren't too happy with you going out with a boy. Lilin are fucking stupid.

\---

Throughout the week, you scour the internet for college applications. Before you had gained consciousness in this body, you had only applied to a select few colleges. You've got to get into Shinji's college. He hasn't slipped any school-life information, so you are just going to apply to a ton of colleges and choose his once you find out what it is. The days to submit applications are apparently dwindling, but you figure you’ll get accepted everywhere; your grades were exceptional. When you visit the aquarium with Shinji on Saturday, you’ll ask him where he plans on attending. That’s considered pretty casual conversation, right? 

\---

Saturday rolls around, and you want to dance on the rooftops like they did in that one nanny movie. Mary Hoppins or something like that. You saw it once with the other pilots only because Mari had insisted on it; she really likes musicals because she can sing freely without Asuka slapping her on the arm. 

Gendo Ikari answers this time when you knock at the door. The man is, unsurprisingly, as dark and brooding as he always is, regardless of his wife not being dead. He seems as if he is about to say something of particular disgust but Shinji suddenly pops out from behind him, eases around his father, and rushes out the door. Shinji quickly shuts the door and drags you away by the wrist before Gendo has time to act. You suppose his eager desire to flee is good enough proof that Gendo Ikari is still the worst father of all time. Wouldn't it be great if he was the one to get his head blown up instead of you? Somehow you're the one that's stuck with dying all the time. You are trying to make a really sad kid happy. What has this horrible man done to deserve reincarnation, that's what you'd like to know. 

Your thoughts are interrupted when your foot catches and your face hits concrete. 

\---

"Are you sure you're alright?" Shinji asks, handing you another napkin to hold against your forehead. He had ran back into the house faster than a blue hedgehog and returned with napkins. He still seems concerned despite you insisting that you've "been through worse". And you have, obviously, but you're not about to tell him that you get head wounds frequently enough that they don't really bother you anymore. He would stress out so bad that it would almost be cute. He'd just blame it on himself, though, as he always does. You get to your feet and smile at Shinji, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. "Are you ready to go?" you ask with an open hand. He stands and takes it after a moment's hesitance. For a moment, you feel radiant. You open the passenger door for him, jump into your own seat, and you're off to the aquarium.

Shinji is fairly quiet on the way there. He glances over at you once or twice, still mildly concerned about your fall, but you smile and momentarily place your hand on his to settle his nerves. He blushes but doesn't recoil, and the radiance returns. 

**Author's Note:**

> god i hate how Ao3 doesnt do the tab button. like, thanks, gotta make my shit look all weird and different from how i was taught to write  
> ive been working on this puppy for a while. cant say right offa the bat when ill be posting more but if anyone likes it PLEASE let me know cuz uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thatll definitely help me out on the Motivation and Inspiration Train


End file.
